A Fearsome Beauty: A Thousand Words, Part I

Thursday, December 3, 2009

A Thousand Words, Part I

Remember? I don't want to see those needles! I can't.

Sedation changes everything. She began to slip past noticing.

They taped the edges of her hooves to protect the foam padding in the sedation and recovery room. A French manicure is not quite the right look for Scout, I don't think.

They wouldn't let me watch her going under general anesthesia. But later, they brought me into the operating room...

...to the moment when finally everything turns real.

I went outside for a cigarette. I was jittery. Not at the blood or the wound, but at the complete vulnerability of my mare. That only got worse for me. I wanted to lie down with her.

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About This Journal

I began this journal to think through my experience with a mare I bought in 2004, after years away from riding, and then my start-over with a gelding I acquired in 2009. The one horse shook my confidence as a rider; I hoped to rebuild it with the other. I eventually gave back the horse I thought could help me overcome my anxiety and there before me stood again the horse with whom I choked in the first place.

It sounds like I traveled in a circle, yet not only did I change, but in 2010 I bought another horse, a kind, affectionate Appendix mare who seemed to fall from the sky. "Third time's a charm," they say. It was true for me in love, now let it be true in horses.

I strive to write truthfully about fear, doubt and tension, among other things, difficult subjects to talk about without being self-serving or cheaty. But I tend to dig deep (though it may be little more than scab picking). If you can relate to what I'm talking about, you're welcome to read along and comment whenever you like. Thanks for visiting.