A Fearsome Beauty: The Aftersmoke

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Aftersmoke

I came to smoking late and I probably won't stop early. I don't think smokers exhale as deeply as they inhale, at least I don't. You get duped by seeing the air you are releasing. But if you bear down and exhale again, you'll see a little more smoke, the stuff that was just hanging around in there. You should get it out.

That's what happened to me today, when I learned that the jousters had given Dar away. It's as if all of me clenched for a second, bore down on my heart. There he was again, lingering in front of me like smoke. Now the path I sometimes still crazy-dream is gone. Will I never forget him?

6 comments:

Wolfie said...: Really sorry to hear this. :-(; January 10, 2011 at 7:25 PM
Calm, Forward, Straight said...: Just spent some time reading your history with Dar. So sorry to hear this news...; January 10, 2011 at 7:55 PM
Oak Creek Ranch said...: It seems like you had a very deep emotional bond with Dar. I don't think you'll ever forget him but hopefully the pain will ease in time. Sometimes the head and the heart just don't agree and you need to be safe. You gave it your best. He was lucky to have you.; January 10, 2011 at 10:10 PM
Muddy K said...: Thank you all.; January 11, 2011 at 9:21 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm sorry, that is hard to find out when your horse has moved on again. Do they remember who he went to? Maybe you could stay in touch with the new owners.; January 11, 2011 at 9:46 AM
Muddy K said...: HM, I do know where he went. It's just that, why start it up, you know? I know I have to let go of him; it's just been harder than I expected.; January 11, 2011 at 10:22 AM

About This Journal

I began this journal to think through my experience with a mare I bought in 2004, after years away from riding, and then my start-over with a gelding I acquired in 2009. The one horse shook my confidence as a rider; I hoped to rebuild it with the other. I eventually gave back the horse I thought could help me overcome my anxiety and there before me stood again the horse with whom I choked in the first place.

It sounds like I traveled in a circle, yet not only did I change, but in 2010 I bought another horse, a kind, affectionate Appendix mare who seemed to fall from the sky. "Third time's a charm," they say. It was true for me in love, now let it be true in horses.

I strive to write truthfully about fear, doubt and tension, among other things, difficult subjects to talk about without being self-serving or cheaty. But I tend to dig deep (though it may be little more than scab picking). If you can relate to what I'm talking about, you're welcome to read along and comment whenever you like. Thanks for visiting.